Hedonism in Sexual Relations
In my previous article, I discussed my view on the maturity journey that one goes through in terms of sexual relations. However, a point of consideration is that people have sex because it “feels good.” That emotion is most poignantly captured in the concept of hedonism. In this article, I will discuss my view on hedonism within sexual relations.
To start off, a component of the argument of sex before marriage doesn’t start with the couple but actually the individual. This is more of an aside than anything but it helps to some extent frame the individual. A facet of life that is not given adequate attention by introspection is hedonism. For example, a common developmental paradigm for a child is to be exposed to the dopamine puncher that is sugar. Since the individual is a child, without consideration or experience, they throw themselves down the road of “one-more Kit-kat or Skittle.” Eventually, the child stops their consumption of sugar either by parental intervention or the negative outcomes of overconsumption of sugar, but importantly not because of self-restraint. As an adult, an individual might look to the future, consider the negatives of sugar consumption, and choose to exercise control rather than give in to their primal desires. Similarly, an individual being exposed to sexual relations for the first time must consider their value set in regards to hedonism. While the balance of hedonism/control is individualized and the topic is highly nuanced, a hopefully agreed upon conclusion is that open hedonism exposes one to potential risks and negatives. And in particular, the nuanced negatives of sexual relations, particularly before marriage (but also in general), are often not taught to teenagers/young adults, who are emerging into biological sexual maturity. Thus, individuals are left to fend for themselves, rather than have the enlightenment of pre-decisional information.
Furthermore, although seemingly unrelated, porn epitomizes sexual hedonism in modern society. Never before has the distance between sexual desire and release been so close. One only has to open an incognito tab on their favorite browser. First, porn programs the mind to an overvaluation of certain physical characteristics and thus incorrect expectations. A commonly mentioned statement I have heard is to drop the expectation that the girl you will have sex with will look like a porn star. Not only does this lead to an overvaluation of certain physical characteristics, as mentioned in the previous in the article, but also a focus on behaviors that fulfill hedonistic pleasures. These behaviors sometimes converge on an addiction. While addiction to sex does not necesarrily always involve porn, the effortless access of porn certainly contributes.
It is important to distinguish between biological needs compared to hedonistic pleasures. For simplicity, hedonistic pleasures are things we can live without, while on the other hand we can not ignore our biological needs. Although I believe that sexual release is a biological and healthy need, I also notice many peers abstaining who seem unaffected. Be it through biological and psychological components, truly some people do not need consistent sexual release. On the other hand, a consideration to be made is that the perception of sexual release as a need may also by psychological, similar to the need a person with addiction feels for their drug of choice. For now, I will operate with the assumption it is for now. But, just because sexual release is a biological need does not mean we must gorge ourselves.
For example, a more common daily biological need is food. As humans, food provides us the energy we need to perform our biological and natural functions. Thus, along the logic of sexual hedonism, every time we sit down to eat, we should only be eating Michelin star meals, steaks, Chick-Fil-A, or whatever food one finds intense biological satisfaction from. But, on the contrary, what we see is that a lot of people understand that not every meal will be over the top. A lot of times, people practice self-control to ignore their biological desire for their favorite food in favor of something more sustainable and healthy. It is no wonder that restraint and balance has been used as a tool of enlightenment for many worldviews such as stoicism and Christainity. Even a step further, some restrict not only what they eat but how much they eat. By practicing restraint over eating schedule in diets such as in intermittent fasting, the body is physiologically spurred to be more efficient, which promotes longevity. On the other hand, by practicing gluttony over the unhealthy and hedonistic foods, not only does the body suffer in terms of health but also the mind in terms of negligence (to one’s body), ignorance (to what one actually needs in life), and impotence (to the control of material things on oneself).
Thus, the practice over restraint over hedonism should similarly be transferred over to sexual relations. The key difference between the topics is that we see what eating McDonald’s every day can do to your body and mental health in news articles but we don’t see the same for an overindulgence in sex. Once again, I am not stating that porn and sexual hedonism is wrong, only highlighting the negatives I have observed and experienced. Specifically regarding porn, I am not saying that porn is inherently evil but rather there is some underlying tension in the way individuals and societies have structured lives that there is a need to have this palliative treatment that iatrogenically poisons the mind.
