A Secular View on Sexual Relations Before Marriage

Continuing my article series about sexual relations, a question to ask is not only how one should have sex but if they should at all. This line of questioning is most often seen in the realm of sex before marriage. In this article, I will propose my secular view for why the optimal path is abstinence in regards to sex before marriage.

To start off, the most widely secular accepted reason for abstinence before marriage is to avoid pregnancy. The process of having and raising an unexpected child usually has monumentally impacts on the life of the woman or lives of the couple, regardless of the age range. But, specific to this argument, pre-marriage couples are usually on the younger end of the age spectrum, compounding the negative effects. Since several books could be written on the consequences of an unexpected pregnancy, I will only quickly list the broad reasons: health detriments, choosing either adoption/abortion/parenting, being unprepared financially or social maturity-wise, derailing career goals, burdening the baby’s grandparents, social-shaming (which is problematic), etc. While a child is a gift regardless of circumstances, one doesn’t always want/need a gift right away. Some gifts are best received when one is more ready in life.

However, at this point, one may be wondering that birth control can circumvent the problems of the previous paragraph. Yes, birth control is highly effective at preventing pregnancy as many studies have indicated. But, this leads me into my next point. What is the effect premarital sex can have on a budding relationship? By definition, a premarital couple is a pair of people who are still learning and growing together, in which they are trying to figure out if this relationship will be the one that lasts forever. I argue that introducing sex early on into a relationship will damage young relationships leading to weakness or a lot of times dissolution.

As discussed before, sex requires an individual journey of maturity to leave its hedonistic origins to travel to a final destination of deep connection. Thus, within a relationship, a lot of couples start as two individuals at the beginning of their sexual maturity journey, which as previously mentioned is where the unhealthy hedonism lies. And this isn’t just some low-key hedonism such as a juicy steak, sex is an act that is brain and behavior altering. The negative aspects of this can be seen in different stages of relationships. Let’s say your first encounter with your partner is a hookup or a sexual act. From that point on in the relationship, that sexual act is on the table and is an activity that will regularly be consumed. What this causes to happen is a stagnation of other critical elements to relationship development such as learning about the other person and developing communication skills. Personal development is not desired when sex can work as a temporary relationship band-aid. While sexual relation is a potent and real form of connection, some mistake this connection as the most important / only form of connection, discounting connecting through personal introspection, working out together, going on adventures, etc.

Some “wake up” later into their relationship to truly see their relationship. For example, after the honeymoon phase of a relationship, real problems start facing the couple, of which they will have to get through. Some are easy but others are hard. A lot of times these are deeply personal and intense. What happens when sex can’t smoothe over the problem? If it keeps coming back up? This is where communication, individual maturity, and having a solid relationship foundation come into play and are essential to couple problem solving. Thus, when couples start trying to work through their problems after a sex-honeymoon phase, they may realize their relationship was just a sexual farse, or the other is not at a sufficient maturity, or the couple can’t communicate without negative emotions / yelling. While this isn’t a death sentence, some relationships don’t get through this. Thus, if the goal is to find a life partner, all that time spent with that person may have been for naught. All that time could have been spent with the more optimal partner. Does one really want to risk trying to build a solid foundation for a relationship 2 years down the road rather than at the start?

So far, for the couples I have talked about, I have made the assumption that they are relationship- and sexually-inexperienced. However, my line of argumentation still applies and is seen in single people who are sexually mature and/or have dated before. For example, the stereotypical journey of a sexually-active college student is freshman year may be filled with going home with different individuals, but over time, the sexual satisfaction grows old and the feeling hollow. More often than not, they implement rules such as “no sex on the first date” or actively look for guys/girls who don’t keep asking for it. Furthermore, for people who have been in long-term, deep relationships, their first instinct is to connect socially and personally and not sexually. In either of these cases of relationship/sexually mature individuals, people and couples find value in holding off sex to strengthen the ties of the relationship at the start of a relationship.

In addition, I have discussed how using sex to smooth out couple issues can lead to a stagnation of critical relationship skills, such as communication, listening, and maturity. However, one might say that relationship building can happen while the couple has sex. Although I don’t disagree, this viewpoint discounts the handicaps that sex can have on relationship building. For example, after an intense problem/argument, tensions and emotions are running high. A couple with sex on the table will be tempted to use sex as a tool of release. However, for the abstinent couple to persevere through the problem, they don’t have the handicap of relying on dopamine but instead will have to build personal maturity, emotional intelligence, and self-control. Or, as another example, if sex is on the table as a couple activity, more weight will be put on staying in bed and having sex than going out and connecting through hiking/working out/other means. If one doesn’t truly overvalue hedonism( the process of being controlled by simple dopamine hitting your brain), then I believe sex should be inconsequential. What one should be left with is using sex for connection. As discussed, sex should not be desired as the primary form of connection, which if it is indicates a hedonistic overvaluation. In my experience, taking sex off the table and connecting through other means has made my relationship much stronger.

Although concerns of sexual compatibility may float around, the large majority of people do not have a problem connecting in terms of sex. And if they do, it is more often a problem of personal maturity, expectations, or communication than of inherent, unfixable incompatibility. Furthermore, even if down the line a couple is incompatible in some sense, is the connection through sex that consequential in the face of a deep, meaningful relationship?

Finally, although more a personal preference, sex is a special act only if one lets it be, not intrinsically or inherently (at least secularly). Liberal usage of sex can make it expendable and cheap personally. Societally, we can see its commoditization or depersonalization. Even if one only has sex with a couple people, one will now have a “soul tie’’ with each person for the rest of one’s life. That connection is not easily rid of without making sex cheap in some way or another. It’s like if a person had a private, penetrating secret about themselves and shared it with lover 1. If they broke up after a couple years of dating and the person started dating someone else, the secret might seem more exposed or less special because of having shared it with the previous partner. But, at least in the realm of sex, sometimes immaturity or misunderstandings happen. There is only so much foresight we have.

While other negatives to sex early in the relationship exist, such as misunderstanding if the relationship is sexual or emotional, having sex as a leverage, using sex as validation, unhealthily looking for intimacy through sex, I assume the vast majority of individuals/couples struggle with the intense hedonistic pleasure sex can have on forming true connection. Now, you may be wondering if the path forward is to not have sex before marriage. The following is my unsolicited advice to the reader.

Do you overvalue sex? If your answer is no, then I would ask why it matters if you have sex now compared to later in your relationship. If your answer is because it feels good, then I recommend looking at my hedonism in sexual relations article. If your answer is because it helps you connect with your partner, then I would ask why you need to connect with them in this specific way. There are a bunch of other equally satisfying options. I ask this as a thought exercise to help the reader reexamine their rationale for their actions. If you are a reader already married/in a long-term relationship and having sexual relations, something to consider is what would happen if you stopped having sex with your partner. Or on the contrary, if you are sexually dissatisfied right now, what are the reasons for your sexual dissatisfaction? What is it about sex that affects the satisfaction of your relationship? If you quote the answer as a difference in libido or desire, then I would ask how much of that desire/libido is hedonism compared to actual connection. Rationally, if you truly desire the sex for connection and understand the other equally satisfying options for connection, there should be no willingness to search for sex from a sexually uninterested partner.

Now, you may be wondering about our biological need for physical intimacy and sex. And, yes I agree that we are hard coded, some more than others, for physicalness. But, the first distinction I will make is between physical intimacy and sex. Physical intimacy such as cuddling, hugging, or holding hands is inherently different from engaging in sex. Unlike physical intimacy which releases more oxytocin on average, sex has a greater potential to release dopamine and endorphins, which negatively reinforces sex as an act of pleasure rather than connection and attachment. Furthermore, some may question that sexual release is a healthy need. Here are my responses to the psychological benefits of sex. In regards to reduced stress/anxiety and improved mood, relying on sex for these psychological benefits appears eerily similar to relying on drugs of abuse. Although sex has less of a reinforcing effect, hedonism/dopamine underlies the mechanism of action for both. What are the true causes of your stress, anxiety, and reduced mood? Relying on sex will inhibit the growth, development, and progress to fixing these problem areas for the future. This is like giving a student who is depressed from poor grades a sugary drink and thinking that their temporary happiness signifies improvement. In reality, the solution is for the student to understand and fix why they are getting poor grades for sustained overall happiness. In addition, culture shapes our psychological limitations, and just because culture says something doesn’t mean it’s true.

In regards to our biological need, I do think consistent sexual release is physically healthy based on the evidence I have read. Some of the physical benefits for sex fall under the theory that the more you use it, the more refined/efficient the system is. For example, the act of sex can help with cardiovascular health through increased pumping of the heart and strengthen pelvic floor muscles through their obvious use. However, when looking at the physical benefits of sex, something to consider is how many of these benefits could be replaced by exercise. Even still, a recommendation is that you can always use masturbation as a tool to fulfill your biological needs. If you are looking to avoid hedonism or overvaluation (porn), you can use control and restraint to train your mind to be able to masturbate without letting the dopamine reinforce the action.

Overall, in my opinion, the optimal state of being in a couple is understanding you don’t need sex in a relationship. Instead, there should be a focus on personal/couple development (e.g. communication) and finding connection in other activities. Once you as a couple get through that initial heightened make-or-break period of couple development, sex is a strong and powerful tool for connection. Lastly, marriage is a little arbitrary. Marriage just signifies a commitment because the relationship has matured to a certain point. If you judge that your relationship has reached this maturity level, then I see no problem in initiating the process of starting to have sex.