A Secular View on General Sexual Relations
Many stances exist for the role sexual relations should play in our lives and in society at large. These reasonings are an interplay of a complex web of political factors, cultural norms, personal experience, value-based systems, religion, and more. Individuals come to express these in different ways from open hedonism to strict control, and everything within the middle. In this article, I will give my viewpoint on what the optimal path for how one should think of sexual relations.
To emphasize that last part, I am not writing to neither convince the reader one way or the other nor to shame a perspective. I strongly believe that a lot of our contentious issues in society are a difference in value-based perspectives, which are largely determined by deterministic factors. A baseline condition that most sides agree on is that individuals are autonomous beings and should have their choices respected to the fullest extent possible. I write this in the perspective not as a harbinger of truth but solely from what I have viewed to be an optimal path in my life based on my experiences. While I may take a side in this article, this doesn’t mean I disrespect, demean, or think lesser of any individual who believes and chooses to act in contrary ways.
I will tackle the question of sexual relations from a secular point of view, or as Charles Taylor would like to say, the immanent frame. In my worldview, the first maturity checkpoint for secular individuals is distinguishing if they desire their sexual relations for reasons of lust or passion. Although both words bring up to mind moments of intense heat and desire, there is a key distinction. The concept of lust is inherently baked with the motivation of what can something else do for you. How can I enjoy this sexual feeling? How do I sexually conquer that man/woman? A common line of thinking is the physical characteristics a person sexually desires: maybe a certain hair color or body type. While yes, a certain set of physical characteristics may indicate familiarity and thus safety. Anyone with a sufficiently advanced maturity level will understand superficial physical features do not dictate a person’s disposition. The reason why sexual physical preferences fall under lust is because since you overvalue a set of physical characteristics, you are having sex to “attain” those physical characteristics. In essence, the individual is trivial but the physical characteristics are what make the difference.
On the other hand, sexual passion is still a strong desire for someone. However, instead of the emotion leading you, you are the one leading it. The real world application of this checkpoint is seen in the stereotypical journey a college student may take sexually. One may start out their freshman year going to parties and going home with different individuals every night. However, that sexual satisfaction grows old and the feeling is hollow. One yearns more than for lustful sexual encounters. More often than not, they turn to looking for a longer-term relationship to develop love and thus passion within the sex.
More often than not, a person finds this meaningful connection passionate sex can create, but somewhere along the line something changes. Although not completely distinct from lust, many come into their youthful relationships with an overvaluation of physical characteristics. While it may be obvious that distinguishing sexual desire based on race is inherently wrong, the overvaluation plays more subtle in relationships. Maybe, it is a certain curve here or there, a specific preference of weight, or a subtle thinness of an arm. In my opinion, a lot of times in sexual encounters early in a relationship, a driving factor for sexual desire is a set of physical characteristics that they find appealing in their partner. However, as time continues its incessant march forward, its effect on our bodies are seen by others. Commonly heard in society is men growing sexually uninterested in their partners due to aging features and look to younger women, which is accompanied by an overemphasis of aging women on their physical features. After all, Americans spent 16.5 billion dollars on cosmetic plastic surgeries in 2018.
For some though, a couple wrinkles here and there or the graying of hair doesn’t dictate their sexual love for their partner. However, I propose that sex should not be based on physical looks in any sense or shape. For example, let’s say there is a man who thoroughly enjoys the shape of his women’s legs, aged or not. However, what if the woman gets in a car accident and loses both of her legs. Will the man now not be sexually attracted to his woman anymore? Will he lessen his sexual love? Thus, the next general step in the maturity journey is how one views specific body parts. Passionate sex should not be dependent on physical looks or body parts but strictly with who it is with.
